I’m happy to be leaving a country for the first time. All the countries were beautiful. Even the USA despite Bush. Apart from a few places, Australia was rubbish. Expensive as hell, boring, too big, too boozy, too touristy and lots of rain. Plus a ruined car, 2 cameras, a laptop hinge and a DVD drive. Cost for 8 weeks: just under 6000€.

Sure, it was a lot of money just for bad luck. But even the money that I used sparingly for travelling flowed through my hands in torrents. Only rarely were my minimum expectations met. A recent study puts Sydney ahead of Tokyo as the most expensive city in the world. If they had factored in tourism, it would probably be the most expensive city south of the Andromeda Nebula. (more…)

I’m back in Kings Cross. I have nothing against cockroaches. Only if they’re dead on my pillow in the morning. That’s why Eva’s Backpackers is the only choice. I’m sitting on the roof terrace. Bats fly over the Sydney skyline as the sun sets. The evening begins. The only backpacker-budget-compatible drink is wine from the carton.

We have plenty of that before heading to the mother of all bars one last time. The World Bar was magical two months ago. Magic can’t be planned, maybe not even repeated. I know it, but I never want to believe it. The evening is weird and wobbly. In the end, four girls sit down at my table for Hen Night. Two are devils, two are angels. The angels are devilish, the devils speak English. (more…)

During the night, I dry my soaking wet kite in the room. The result in the morning: kite half dry, room and all my clothes look like they’ve come straight out of the rainforest. I check out and call Steve. Steve is a passionate National League poker player. He lost a few rounds against me on Fiji in the rain. Now we’re sitting in the sun and discussing our match plans over breakfast.

Then it’s off to Budawang National Park. Curious parrots sniff us out. Steve didn’t promise too much: The most beautiful beach in Australia. White sand and bright blue sea. Dolphins play in the surf. A sea eagle circles over a school of fish. There is no more wind today, so all that remains is hope. (more…)

After five days in the outback, I stay in Melbourne again. Melbourne rocks. If there’s any city in Australia that I’m going to miss, it’s Melbourne. Good food, relaxed people, lots of greenery. The beach in St Kilda, pleasant temperatures, nice pubs. The parks, the museums, the Yarra River. The hustle and bustle in the city centre and the peace and quiet in the neighbouring residential areas.

The most impressive thing about Melbourne is the music scene. The monthly concert programme is the size of the Süddeutsche Zeitung on Saturday. Within two weeks, Chemical Brothers, Jack Johnson, Nouvelle Vague, Mo Horizon, Hot Hot Heat, Juliette and the Licks, Black Crowes, Kiss, Alice Cooper are playing. I would have wanted to see 30 concerts within five days. (more…)

Departure on the second day is before 5 a.m. We drive on to the Olgas, or Kata Tjuta on Anangu. The Kata Tjuta are a formation of over 30 wind-cut sandstone monoliths and a sacred area for the Anangu. The temperature is around 40 degrees again. You get used to everything.

Again: dead trees in front of red rocks against a blue sky. Stinging sun, thousands of flies. Not new, but still beautiful. We hike about 7km around a few monoliths, it’s impossible to replace the water fast enough. Zebra finches in a tree. Then we continue by bus to the end of the journey: Uluru or Ayers Rock. (more…)

I have booked a three-day tour into the outback. We set off before dawn in a medium-sized bus at 5am. The passengers: 18 women, 6 men and a good guide. Luckily it’s not as hot as yesterday. Still. On the first day alone, we have 800 kilometres to cover. I’m too big, or the bus is too small. No sleep.

There are a few short stops on the journey. An outback roadhouse. Patting a dingo lady. I order a camel burger and eat it with relish in front of his brother. The fellow travellers are quite nice, but after last night I only really warm up because of the steadily increasing heat. With every petrol station, the fuel gets more expensive, rising to 150% of the Australian average. (more…)

I spend my last night in Melbourne at Coffee House Backpackers. A lovely old house full of miserable young boozers. They’re all still in bed at 11. It smells of death and decay. I buy myself a day ticket and set off once again on little-travelled paths through the whole of Melbourne. Telstra Dome, Docklands, shopping, Melbourne Museum.

The night in the Coffee House is as expected. Even after the twentieth call to her lover’s mobile phone in the dorm, a sufftoe refuses to accept that he doesn’t want her. At three o’clock she knocks on the door. I storm out with such angry words and face that she doesn’t even dare go through the open door afterwards. (more…)

One long party. There are no days, only nights. They start at noon here in St Kilda. It’s fun. If it gets too loud or nasty somewhere, there are plenty of other places. The Esplanade Hotel is the mother of all live pubs. There are 30 concerts every day at the weekend. I went to 5, the crowds went wild. And yesterday was Labour Day, so it was a very long weekend.

Time flies by. There is so much to do in Melbourne. Culture, lots of work, long nights, hardly any sleep. Good people, even if it’s a bit of a blur. Or even incomprehensible. A dinner, a concert by a house band in a club with €5 for a small Becks. Important questions and the starry southern sky. (more…)

I continue along the coast. I isolate myself, I’m in a bad mood. My laptop could be destroyed at any time. A rainforest, a short hike, waterfalls. I’m always lagging behind or creeping along, Space Night turned up all the way in my ears. Good if you don’t want to hear anything. No birds, no rustling leaves or rippling water. Above all, no people.

Next stop: The 12 Apostles, a formation of 12 large sandstone rocks just off the coast on the Great Ocean Road. Crowds of tourists and helicopters as annoying as mosquitoes. We drive on quickly, as if an official had said: “Please move on. There’s nothing to see here.” (more…)

The day starts well. I have a rideshare along the Great Ocean Road. Two Frenchmen, one Irishwoman, all good people. We drive into town, get the hire car, drive off. The panic begins. Our French driver is the worst driver I’ve ever seen. My grandma drove much better and safer at 73. The start: the hire company shows him how to start.

The highlights until the evening: Several extremely tight right-of-way regulations. Almost turning into a one-way street – only for trams. Constant jerky, unannounced braking. Dozens of following drivers get upset. An almost rear-end collision. Forgotten handbrake, touching down on a kerb. Then a nice jerky reverse so that it tears the spoiler. And forever: travelling at 40 km/h on a country road. (more…)

St Kilda is the beach of Melbourne. It’s just a 30-minute tram ride from Nomad’s layby, so I book in for longer on the very first day. A small hostel, nothing special, but no vomit on the stairs. It’s easy to be happy. The beach is just 400 metres away. Supermarket round the corner, and lots of nice little shops and restaurants.

I walk through the neighbourhood. All I hear is birds chirping. Peace and quiet. The botanical garden, Aussies lying in the sun. There’s an old wooden rollercoaster from 1912 on the beach and a huge theatre where small bands like Toto play. The WiFi is working, I’m working like crazy to balance my account. (more…)

Some hostels are like battery cages. The Nomad Backpackers in Melbourne is the mother of all battery hens. Hens and roosters, the desired end product – their money. They put plenty of it on the counter for their daily bread: grain, wheat and barley. A bar as a feeding trough, the hens clucking in unbelievable pitches, the roosters crowing unknowingly for their lost lives.

I don’t understand the whole discussion about which husbandry is better: To wither away in a cage, or to tear each other apart in a barn. I move from the cage to the floor when a little helper cock says: “If you ex this jug, I’ll pay it.”. Well, the Bavarian does, no problem with the prices – maybe I’ll even become a rooster. (more…)

The landing approach to Melbourne begins shortly before midnight. Sea of lights. I quickly flick through the Lonely Planet: 3.5 million inhabitants. Wow. I didn’t think so. After 15 minutes I have all my luggage and the transfer bus is just right. Peter, Father Christmas from Fiji, had offered to pick me up with his sister. She works at the airport. But that works too.

I arrive in the city. A bus with a disco ball drives past. Muffled bass thumps. It says on the back: The Ultimate Party Experience. A disco on wheels. If you don’t spill your beer while dancing, you’ll definitely make it here. Sotos had already told me: Melbourne is the party capital of the world. All the walls on the walk to the hostel confirm this: Poster after poster after poster. (more…)

I hate sayings like “What doesn’t kill you makes you tougher” Or “True friends are recognised in adversity”. Why? Because they’re always true. I just don’t like sayings that are always true. Life is much more complicated than that. But for a few things: perfectly clear and simple. Do I have to be grateful for that now?

In a few situations, there are no options. Where otherwise you have a hundred options, there is often only one way left in extreme situations. And it’s usually hard. So the aftermath must be great because it’s wonderfully fluffy and soft. Oh yes, and bright. With red light bulbs and blue flowers on both sides and all that. People afterwards will be different. Better ones. (more…)

The days drag on endlessly while I wait for the missing part from Sydney. It rains constantly. I read a lot, “The Pornographers Poem” by Michael Turner. Watch “Shortbus” for the second time. The last song is beautiful: “We all get it in the end”. My old hostel sold my bed, even though I said I’d be back. Never mind, it was rubbish anyway.

The lady of the house drives me to the next one. It’s completely empty. A whole dorm for me. Silence, endless silence. Then a train passes behind. I’m grateful for that. I go outside, smoke a cigarette. Sit and watch the rain fall. A frog hops across the yard. A gecko screams for a female. Evening programme in Cardwell. (more…)

The night is one tough slaughter. The first alcoholic corpses can be admired at eight o’clock. I mutate into an animal film maker. The air conditioning fails in the room. Sleeping in a sauna. There’s a heavy swell in the morning, especially on land. As soon as I’m on the Tusa5, our diving boat, it’s fine again. The swell seems to counteract my fluctuations antiphasically.

I lost my PADI licence on the trip. No problem, says the booking agent, they can find your licence online via PADI. What he doesn’t say is that I would have had to send the provisional licence to PADI first. Consequence: I’m only allowed to do introductory dives without a licence. Lower, shorter, only two instead of three but at least another 50$ more expensive. (more…)