Dear Continentale Life Insurance

We have now been together for 10 years. During this time, I have made monthly contributions of €35.79 towards your welfare. Within 10 years, over € 4700 came together. In the end, there was still €3600 left. I am disappointed. I thought our relationship would last forever and we would both be good for each other. But unfortunately that was a fallacy. You only ever took, I gave.

Of course, nobody knows where stock market prices are going. Anyone can make a mistake. I’ve also speculated myself. But burning through a whopping 25 per cent over a period of 10 years with a few lows and many long highs is clearly a mature achievement, for which I pay you my respect.

I can also destroy my money myself. Of course, I’m nowhere near as effective as you, but I do my best. This winter is sure to be cold again. I’ll just light some money on fire, then at least I’ll be warm myself instead of paying your heating bills. Or I’ll give it to a beggar. He needs it. You don’t. Maybe I’ll just throw it out the window when it’s slippery outside and the road salt is running out.

Last week you sent me your farewell letter. In it, you confirmed the dissolution of our relationship and gave me back everything you had left. You took another €650 from the remaining €3600 as a reward for your valuable services. So you turned a meagre 25% loss into an impressive 40% loss. I stand in the shadow of your immaculately radiant self-esteem and recognise my own unworthiness: I could do what I want, no mortal can destroy money as effectively as you.

As I earn far too much anyway and therefore have neither the time nor the expertise to destroy money like you, I have only one last wish:

Please let’s start all over again, come back to me!

With eternal love,

Your Frank