Thank you, care emergency!

The care crisis in Germany is really starting to piss me off. Until a few months ago, I didn’t really care. But now I have a nurse as a friend. Unfortunately, one who became one because she really cares. The effects are gradually becoming quite drastic, even for me as a web designer who loves to work at night.

The care crisis in Germany didn’t come as a surprise. It’s more like a 200-metre tsunami in slow motion. Everyone suddenly mutates into surfing meerkats, standing in amazement on the coast and waxing their dusty surfboards. As if they had never seen a wave before. As if you could still ride this one with the correct style. 200 metres to the left of the nearest nuclear power plant.

Poor Germany. Somehow we have a hell of a collective guilt, hidden deep inside. Okay, apart from a few eternally yesterday’s mostly East German morons. Dancing the tango is hard to learn for the deaf. So: We are to blame. For two world wars. Not one. No matter how much we integrate into the international community, buy gyros and shift coins. We are simply still to blame. Or why else do we Germans simply not feel like reproducing at all?

Is Germany a bad country? Nope, I think it’s good, and Bavaria is the best anyway. Maybe Germany used to be bad. Before my time. Original sin is for religious fanatics. I’m an atheist. Is Germany a poor country? Nope, we all have iPhones. Is Germany an unsafe country? Another clear no – apart from the fact that it could become a bit safer if drunk drivers were punished just as severely as sober drivers – or even stoned drivers.

Germany is dying out. We should build a Statue of Liberty: “Give me your masses!”. in 2025, we will bring the second half of Turkey to Germany and take migration lessons ourselves – our foreign fellow citizens have successfully resisted long enough. This would rebalance the population pyramid in Germany and reduce the nursing care crisis. But who will still vote for the CSU then?

Another major cause of the care crisis is the abolition of civilian service. No German politician dared to make such an untenable claim. One suggestion? “The compulsory social year cannot be equated with the labour service in the Third Reich.” Blatantly untenable, isn’t it? Every young person in Germany would receive social behaviour as a free upgrade to the business administration gene. In the end, the German rap would die out and nurses wouldn’t be a nursing case at the age of 45.

The way the nursing crisis is currently affecting my nurse, I’m still hoping for a fulfilling life. At least for a few more years. Then she’ll be finished and will have burnt out her body as well as all her high ideals. Burnt out, sorry. Because when two monitors are constantly ringing at the same time, you can’t even think about a ten-minute meal break within an eight-hour shift. Sorry again. Ten hours. There haven’t actually been any shorter late shifts for weeks.

The nursing emergency is made a little easier by the fact that my nurse is the one nursing the emergency. She works on the internal medicine ward. Typical customer: an alcoholic on his last stopover before leaving Las Vegas for good – without Elizabeth Shue on top. I find it hard to feel sorry for her. You can’t even drink yourself to death without burdening others along the way.

Nursing emergency, cheer up! Everything bad has its good side. I no longer have to wait for my girlfriend for dinner. By eleven, my hypoglycaemia would be so severe that I would have to declare a private famine. So I eat at nine to avoid bad dreams. Today my nurse came home from the slaughterhouse at half past eleven. I quickly made her a sandwich. Before she could even ask me for a massage, she had already fallen asleep. Leaves me more time to be sleepless and blog annoying texts. Thank you, nursing emergency!