Kukuks Nest / Hole, Cebu

Farewell, my Palawan! Next island: Cebu. The flight goes through heavy thunderstorms. The young Japanese girl next to me is still screaming during the first free fall with a bum lift-off, but she’s still clinging to the backrests with a white-knuckled grasp. I’m glad when we land. With its three million inhabitants, Cebu is the second largest city in the Philippines. Slums and luxury.

Kukuks Nest looked quite nice on the internet. In reality, it is Kukuk’s hole. Entrance in the backyard, small dark room with a sticky double bed. Bathroom without a sink. Smells of poo and rubbish. For a hefty surcharge, I reduce the planned working stay to two days and switch to an overpriced “executive” room on the first floor.

I must have stayed in over 100 hostels around the world, including in much poorer countries. The Kukus Nest / Loch Hostel Cebu is by far the most miserable hostel I’ve ever stayed in. Dirty, completely run down, expensive, bad food. Every window is barred, even on the first floor. For that extra security feeling. Surely just fun and not necessary. Dear employees of Kukuks Nest / Loch Hostel Cebu, no offence, you made an effort for me. Take care of the hostel instead!

Bukowski would like this shithole. Alex Garland would surely write “Cebu” here after “The Beach” and “Manila” – and it would be his masterpiece in terms of realism in the dirt. The few works of art on the walls, praised on Hostelworld, don’t take anything away. Bad people have no songs. Artists, however, love dirt holes. I would banish Germany’s number one tidy mess Nina to Kukuks Nest / Loch Hostel Cebu – for life. And make sure she doesn’t have a Ladyshave first.

I flee to the street after a short workday. I don’t want to shower, it would only make me dirtier. The university is just round the corner. Magnificent building. On the other side of the street, the darkest slums. I stay on the main road. I rarely do that. Especially with the number of moving coal-fired power stations.

I still need a waterproof bag for my camera. Go to the nearby Ayala Mall. Huge place, glittering world. I wander around for two hours, everyone sends me somewhere else, nobody has what I need. Frustrated, back to the Kukuks Nest / Loch Hostel Cebu. Working with a crawling connection in unbelievable swarms of mosquitoes. Drinking well doesn’t work. Switch to bearable drinking.

Update 4:50 in the morning. The party on the ground floor of Kukuks Nest / Loch Hostel Cebu is slowly gaining momentum. The chants are getting louder. Ants crawl across my screen in the rumble room. @ Dominik: I don’t have to throw up in my room. The guests at the wonderful party on the ground floor of Kukuks Nest / Loch Cebu do that in the loo right outside my door.

Update 10:40h In the morning I want to take a shower. My back seems to be covered in foreign body fluids. There is no water, neither shower nor tap. The only toilet is full of poo and the vomit of yesterday’s party guests. I go downstairs and ask the people to switch on the WiFi. As I suspected, they don’t have any. Just point out an open one from the neighbour as their own. That’s enough. I’m pissed off and blowing off steam. His thalidomide injury is saving the boss’s life today.

I pack up, get my money back and head off to the harbour. I hop on the first ferry. The engine is already running when I realise that I should learn to control my anger better. In the morning, I was so out of control that I forgot the plastic money I had hidden in my room. I’ve just come back from the boat when it leaves. Taxi back, save tickets, back to the harbour, pike into the rocket boat and off I go, never to be seen again, Kukuk’s Nest / Loch Hostel Cebu!

For my English readers: Kukus Nest Hostel Cebu is by far the worst hostel I’ve ever been to. I’ve stayed in approximately 100 hostels woldwide – also in much less developed countries and cheaper ones. Kukuks Nest Hostel Cebu got completely overpriced room rates. It’s extremely dirty, everywhere. The budget room is a dark hole and stinks in beautiful note trash and shit. The food is lousy. Even though Kukuks Nest Hostel Cebu advertises with free WiFi facility: they don’t have any, it’s from an unknowing neighbour – and very unstable. The restrooms look like a dumpsite. In the night I experienced a beautiful party with local “artists”, loud music and people vomiting on the toilet in front of my room until 5:30 am. In the morning, there was no water – neither shower, nor toilet, nor tap. Don’t stay at Kukuks Nest Hostel Cebu! Lonely Planet, Hostelbookers and especially Hostelworld: Take out Kukuks Nest Hostel Cebu! I consider it to be a legal offence to your readers and users!

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The Kukuks Nest / Loch Hostel Cebu is the worst dirty hostel ever! Just don’t come here! I’ll do everything I can to ruin this shithole. Kukuks Nest / Loch Cebu SEO and so on. Kukuks Nest / Loch Cebu. Use Kukuks Nest Hostel Cebu in the comments!