I Am So Nina!

Do you know Nina, our number one stupid blonde tidy bitch? She checks hotels on TV in “Achtung Kontrolle” and is the ultimate embodiment of New German embarrassment. Package holidays are booked for little money with the expectation of a dream from 1001 nights on Malle. Paying nothing, wanting everything, constantly complaining: typically German.

Her favourite utensil is a white cloth glove. She uses it to wipe places that no room occupant has ever looked at. Then she grimaces and says something like “Ugh, how unhygienic!”. In between, she mentions the word “Holidaycheck” 100 times without any financial context.

She is the epitome of all new German “virtues”. Order, that used to be German. Now we can only be meticulous. Reliable, that used to be, has been replaced by stressful. High quality? Stinginess is cool! Punctual, that also used to be. Perfectly replaced above all by German holidaymakers: always in the wrong place at the wrong time. I hate all these new German characteristics, and I despise their incarnation Nina to the core!

All the worse to wake up this morning and realise that the incubation period of a mental Helicobacter Pylori infection is apparently more than three weeks. I wake up. Everything sucks. I’m full of Nina, yo!

The food is too expensive and too skimpy. There’s no fish. The other beaches advertised on the internet are only accessible by machete through the jungle. There was nothing about the noisy renovation work, was there? That’s really not on! Jellyfish and stingrays frolic in the water on the only beach – I almost step on one. Crabs pinch my bum through the towel from below. Neither the internet nor my mobile phone work.

What’s more: I’ve finished my book, it’s far too hot, the shower water too cold, the shade from the trees moves too quickly, there’s no fart wind in the bay. The transfer here was expensive as hell and I’m bored. Now it’s raining again, and later a cloud will surely prevent the perfect sunset. Oh, this terrible migraine! I am so Nina!