Christmas Gifts For Filipinos

Dear Christ Child, the Filipinos have had a tough year. And they were good. If you’re still missing a few gift ideas: every Filipino will be happy about the following things. Without exception.

Sun protection in any form. As a matter of principle, the girls only leave the house with a parasol until midnight. The sugar cane cutters smoke through scarves that cover their faces completely. Of course, they are also happy to use sun cream, but at least SPF 70, please.

Soap with bleach is also very popular. All Filipinos think light-coloured skin is cool. At first I thought there was far too much sex tourism here. I was wrong. White skin just makes the girls too horny not to jump on it.

Handkerchiefs. Hard to get and even harder to dispose of in an ecologically correct way. The constant loud snotting also annoys the Filipinos themselves.

Floating wings. 7000 islands, only favourably connected by completely outdated ferries. Most of the passengers drown in the frequent accidents, as only 25% of all Filipinos can swim.

Balut. Fun, excitement and surprise. Every Filipino loves the half-hatched duck embryos. Everywhere and at any time of day or night. For gringos, the suspense factor prevails: will I throw up or will I get an intestinal infection?

Rear-view mirror. Filipinos have nothing against blind spots, on the contrary: the business of death is big and respected here. They simply don’t see it due to the lack of rear-view mirrors. To turn left, you always turn right into the scooter you are overtaking.

Haemorrhoid cushion. This country has the worst roads of any country I’ve ever been to. Deep potholes and gravel roads, together with the often non-existent shock absorbers, work wonders on the intervertebral discs. Free-falling is also possible on the bus.

Colourful waterproof paint. Whether trike, truck, taxi or bus: no vehicle with more than one wheel drives without a colourful pious slogan and “How’s my driving?” along with a mobile phone number on the back.

Playing cards. No matter which, as long as it’s a game of chance for money, even the 103-year-old grandad crawls out of the paddy field.

Warm winter jackets. The Philippine winter starts at 23 degrees. Underneath, the Filipino always wears long jeans and a winter jacket – without a single drop of sweat. In rolling freezers air-conditioned down to 18 degrees, on the other hand, they prove their toughness in shorts. A question of prosperity.

Mobile phones. It doesn’t matter which one, but always with a powerful battery. As long as they can make phone calls and send text messages, Filipino women in particular are easily busy for 27 hours a day. Even in dead spots. The males organise bloodless revolutions for the time being.

Oxygen masks. From the face masks, you’d think 50% of all Filipinos were surgeons. But they are not. They just drive jeepneys. Oxygen masks would be better. When the jeepney is full, for lack of air. When it’s empty, because black clouds of exhaust fumes drift in from behind.

Videoke systems. No people are more vocal. That’s why there are hardly any bad people here. The most evil thing a Filipino can do is sing videoke loudly and off-key in public without having practised enough at home in front of the 24-hour videoke channel on TV or with their own stereo.

So that’s it for now. Nothing else to write about today. The seven hours in trikes and three buses from Dumaguete to Sipalay were quite dull and, thanks to a lot of gravel roads and dust, quite exhausting.