Restaurant Reviews Are Stupid!

Have you ever read a restaurant review? That’s the kind of elaborate verbal wankery of professional whingers who are not satisfied with anything on principle. Even the Michelin Guide likes to employ Germans for this reason. The one-sided battle of words between alcoholics and cokeheads usually appears in the culture section of larger daily newspapers and offers only two possible reactions: Laughter or gastritis.

Today I was in a place where food becomes a religion. Food-induced endorphins may lead to silly grins, but they are still quite enlightening. Ka-Lui in Puerto Princesa is religion. So unfortunately I can’t write a restaurant review right now. Instead, here’s a suggestion for world peace.

We find Ka-Lui by chance: there are crowds of people outside a door next to our hotel on a Monday evening. We take a look inside. “We are barefootin” is written in front of the Balinese restaurant with glossy wooden beams. Next to it is written “Sorry, we’re full”. After 20 minutes of waiting, we get a table. There are about 150 seats in total in small open shrines grouped around Japanese rock gardens. All of them are occupied, mostly by Filipinos.

Subtle lighting, wonderful furnishings with carvings and paintings by local artists. Quiet classical piano music, nimble, attentive but not intrusive waiters in sarongs. There are just seven main courses on the menu. We opt for the seven-course menu. It’s accompanied by a Güne mango-ginger fruit shake that conjures up a meadow of flowers in the mouth.

The food arrives within a few minutes. Broth with mussels. Seaweed with calamansi juice. Juicy tuna steak, smoky seared and served sizzling in the pan. Served with rice and soya sauce or coconut vinegar. It’s all very simple, but delicious to a fault. Each course arrives at the table precisely timed to the second.

The steak is followed by mighty king prawns in tomato sauce. I don’t really like anything with more than four legs. But these things would knock my socks off if it wasn’t a barefoot restaurant. Instead, I simply convert to caluiism. Tempura aubergines and stuffed fish rolls in coconut cream sauce follow. After that, I would say yes and amen to everything, even if someone were to elect Marianne and Michael as German Chancellor and President.

World peace is sealed with a tropical fruit salad served in a coconut. It may be that peace comes from contentment. Ka Lui is definitely worth a trip to Puerto Princesa. Especially for Americans. By the way, at around seven euros per person, peace is considerably cheaper than war.